Love...

It has been almost a month since I have posted, and I must confess the delay is a result of some personal spiritual battles and questions with which I have been wrestling. If for nothing else, I created this blog to share our family's journey in a real, honest way in order that God may be glorified, even in this broken vessel known as me. So, this is as real as it gets. No easy phrases or answers, but a heart that longs to have real relationship with a God who loves me and who carries me, even when I have no clue about my next step. For so long, I truly believed that to speak the truth with any authority about God and his purposes for our lives, I had to have it all together and live up to some standard of perfection that I created. So often, the lie of "you are not good enough" has been my excuse to delay obedience, to silence the message that God has laid upon my heart for myself and others. Somewhere around mile marker 220 on I65 this morning, I heard God speak to my heart and say "No, you are not good enough, and you never could be, but you don't have to be...my love makes you better than good enough." It seems so easy to say I really believe those words, and I have heard them many times before. Why do I not listen and why do I not live my life in the reality of that truth? To believe that the God who created the universe loves me just "because" is as incomprehensible to me as to believe that an ant understands Einstein's Theory of Relativity. For some reason, this morning, God knew I needed to hear it again. I pray that I keep listening, because His love is the most real and abiding force I have ever experienced and I would be empty without Him.

So what does this have to do with our adoption? I think it is another step down this long, bumpy road of faith in the One who holds our family and our little boy in His hands. I don't know the specifics of what He wants me to do, but I know that my loving Father has given me a passion to make sure that I keep "singing" His song of love in the most real way to the orphans of this world. That's pretty much everyone who is born at one point or another, because we are all orphans without the love of Jesus Christ.

Thank you for your prayers. Please continue to pray for Anderson and for our family. More than anything, we want to be obedient to Jesus Christ, no matter the cost or the change that it may bring. I do not say that lightly, when I see what a mess I am and how far we have to go. But I am so grateful for how God has carried me so far and thankful for each of you who have prayed and encouraged us during this journey. We love you.

This is quite a long post, but I want to close by sharing the words of a truly great song written by an artist who I learned about this week (again, God's perfect timing at work) when I needed to hear these lyrics. Her name is Mandi Mapes and the song is "If I Sing." I know nothing about her, except that her music is beautiful and powerful. Here is a link to video of her performing, and a link to a list of songs you can listen to and download, if you like the lyrics.
http://www.vimeo.com/2333926
http://www.archive.org/details/FrontRowSeriesBrookeWaggonerMandiMapes

If I Sing--Mandi Mapes
How did this happen? I'm so distracted. All the voices in my head won't make up their mind,
and my heart is hurting. I feel like cursing ...oh, I need you to tell me that this battle's not mine. 'cause the flame is heated but I feel defeated with nothing to show but this tired, old voice...singing the same song, where did I go wrong, Jesus can you hear me over the noise?

I don't feel worth it, I'm so imperfect. Still I pretend like I'm the apple of your eye...cause you're the reason I sing, You're my everything. And when I hear how much you love me it steals my heart everytime.

I wanna go for the ride, shotgun on the passenger side, we can leave this whole world behind, pack a lunch and just sail away.
Then again I'm scared to let go, this world is all that I know.
God please don't let me wake up to find I've left you someday

Maybe if I sing to a crowd of strangers, somehow maybe I could see that the war is won, look how far we've come. Did I forget all those times that you carried me?
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"How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you." Psalm 139:17-18